Mentor manager, mentor dad

I've hated most parenting books that I've started. Business books take 250 pages to say what they could say in under 50. The big ideas of business and fatherhood are mostly the same, and since none of us has time to read all the books, this blog tries to share some of the important stuff in bite-sized chunks.

One parenting book that's not bad is Mentor Manager, Mentor Parent by Dowling and Mielenz. Its big idea is that parents and managers use four "styles" of controlling others, and that one—mentoring—is most effective. Here are some common control styles and how they play out in managers and dads:

BOSS: depends on power and authority to maintain control; believes others won't act appropriately unless he tells them what to do

• At work: takes advantage of authority to control the workplace
• At home: controls children through power, mandates, and physical advantage
• The result: employees and kids don't learn good judgment or decision-making skills

MANIPULATOR: promises rewards and punishment to control others; doesn't believe in others' personal motivation

• At work: uses motivators like days off or possible promotion; uses threats like bad assignments, overtime, and job insecurity
• At home: engineers desired behaviors by dangling the possibility of treats and privelages given or taken away
• The result: employees and children learn the acceptable minimum to get rewards and avoid punishment and their decision-making is narcissistic

MARTYR: relinquishes control to avoid conflict

• At work: takes a passive approach to management; has difficulty holding others accountable; wants to be liked
• At home: fears setting limits; attempts to win children's love by being friend or playmate
• The result: inconsistency and lack of direction cause resentment; the child and employee eventually take control to fill the leadership void

MENTOR: practices non-controlling strategies to develop responsibility and self-direction in others; focuses on values and standards

• At work: translates the organization's mission and goals into daily activities; trusts others; allows employees to make mistakes and experience the results; enforces standards; accepts unpopularity
• At home: respects the child, values her opinions and feelings, and recognizes her unique needs; allows the child freedom to make choices within established limits; helps the child understand values, expectations, and appropriate behaviors
• The result: mutual respect; appropriate collaboration; employees and kids discover and grow their own motivation and initiative

Which one of these camps do you tend to fall into? I most often fall into the manipulator camp, but dabble in all four.

How to become more of a mentor? To be continued next post...

Comments

[Dad is in the House]

I'm mostly a manipulator too I guess, and a boss. I try not to do martyr and I do mentor also. But I gotta say, I don't know what the answer is for when you three year old won't put clothes on. As an e.g. You try every trick, give them every choice. And then, you hold their little limbs and make them do it.

[Kevin Mackey]

Thanks for the comment 'Dad is in the House'! I'm with you--they need to know we've got the "force" option in our back-pocket, but come to their own conclusions that they're better off chosing to do it themselves. This is where the child/employee comparrison breaks down a bit... we can fire the employee.

[New Balance Shoes]

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